Homemade Chili at it's best

I recently went grocery shopping recently, not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely
Going to sh*t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,
Which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat this Chili, the next day
Both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement #2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next-door neighbors as 'Thunder and Lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
Haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened...... The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood,.. alone in the spice and baking aisle,... suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,
oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
Laugh....... Mistake!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', hovering above the toilet seat because my *** is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.

He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
fully intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
And said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
Run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', he then ran off,
returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked, none too kindly, not to return.

Home again without completing my shopping, I realized that there was nothing to eat
except leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that right now because we are in court over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!

Bar-B-Que Anyone?

The days are starting to cool down a bit and the humidity is starting to subside.
That means the cool days of Fall are just around the corner.

May and October are my favorite months of the year here in Kentucky. The rest of the year, it's either too hot, .... or too cold.

Late September will take on the fall feel and it will be time to start smoking the pork for some good old home made Bar-B-Que.



I buy Boston Butts (4 to 6 pounders) and smoke them over hickory or apple (sometimes mesquite) at 250 to 300 degrees for about eight hours. I use a "Big Green Egg" smoker for this. The temp. is easy to control and it holds the moisture in the meat just perfect.

Of course, when the meat first comes out of the smoker it is entirely necessary to slice off a few of the choice slices for dinner that evening. Man, is that good!, especially with some of Connie's homemade potato salad and some freshly baked beans.

The rest gets sliced and chopped and put into a large sauce pan with some of our favorite Bar-B-Que sauce, .... then slow simmered until the meat can be smashed with a fork, ... it's soooo tender.

Sometimes I like to do some 'pulled' pork Bar-B-Que. Cut the roasts into about 2" slices and "pull" those babies apart, in small shreds,.... then into the sauce. Believe it or not, .... there's a noticeable difference in taste between 'pulled' pork and 'chopped' pork. But they're both so good, .... it doesn't really matter.

Smoking meat in the fresh Fall air, .....One of my all-time favorite activities.

Sure wish you could join us!

Food !

Does anyone else have the same problem as I?

I find it very difficult, and more expensive, to eat a proper diet. All of my favorite foods are not necessarily the best things to be eating. That's not to say that I don't like good food, and food that is good for you. But I have a tendency to eat too many fatty foods and foods high in carbohydrates. And, .... for a diabetic, I like, and eat, too many sweet things.

I like doughnuts, pastries, breads and butter. Pastas, biscuits, popcorn (with butter and salt, of course), hamburgers and all sorts of snack foods (commonly referred to as "Junk Food"). Let's don't forget Pancakes, French Toast, Crepes, waffles and a myriad of other things best left alone. Let's, also, not forget Taco Bell!

Now, ... I like the good stuff,.... tomatoes, beans of all kinds, multiple varieties of peas, carrots, celery, broccoli, squash, Fish, salads with vinegar & oil for dressing. Then there's corn (especially boiled or steamed on the cob), stewed potatoes and fresh fruits galore.
But for some reason these things seem to elude my table, ... at least the majority of the time.

So, ... why is it that I can't seem to eat the right stuff instead of the wrong stuff?

I learned, years ago, that a properly balanced diet combined with daily exercise caused me to lose weight and feel better.

Will power is a strange thing. We can be so determined in some areas of our life and so relaxed about the things that are the most important.

Think I'll go eat a banana.

Who wants to get old?

I've made a decision, ............ getting old is no fun.

But when you consider the only known alternative to getting old, ...... getting old looks better!

The worst thing about getting old is you only get... 'old', so off you go to tackle something or the other, and "Wham", ...... it hits you, "I can't do this anymore". Then you say a few choice words and sit in the corner and pout. (there's no sight quite like a 60+ old guy, ... sitting in the corner with his lower lip hanging out.

Well, ...just think about it for a minute, ...... everything goes really well until you're about 50. After that, .... things start falling off. Those things that don't fall off on their own get surgically removed. Everything else just stops working.



So you get up one morning, and find ...you can't get up! "It hurts!" Well OK, I can stand up now, ..... if I could only walk! Hey, ... there's one step, ... two....three...I might make it again today! (now, if I can only make it to the bathroom, I'll have this thing licked). Gosh, my feet hurt!

Death and Taxes. They're both unavoidable. They both put you through a great deal of degradation prior to the final payment. Is anyone doing any research on the avoidance of death? It seems to me this should be a priority, .... even more so than gas prices. I mean, think about it, ... if you die you don't care what the price is of gas anyway. It becomes irrelevant!

You'd think the oil companies would be spending some of their record profits on finding a cure for death. Hey, ...if everyone dies, .. who's going to buy the gas? Oh man, ...that'll wreck their profits big time.

If you reach any conclusions on the matter, let me know.
If you find an alternative to getting old (other than dieing of course)...Let me Know for sure!

Ciao

Bueno Fortuna